A year in the life

I was at my previous job for 12 years. That’s a long time. I liked my job, and the people I worked with. I never felt like I’d been there 12 years though, I felt like the new person for a lot of that time, the imposter. Maybe it’s because I went on maternity leave three times over the years, but I don’t think that’s it. It’s an itch I cannot scratch here, trying to pinpoint why, and maybe I can delve more in another blog post sometime.

Today marks one year in my new job. I would say it’s been the best year, although just after starting my new job, 2023 turned into a giant turd of a year as my granddad died, painfully and unnecessarily early. It was crap, and I almost had to stop thinking about him to get through any moment without my throat closing up and my eyes leaking. I had to be able to concentrate on something else.

My job stepped in, and the people I work with. I hope they know who they are. When the kids were at school, other people relied on me and whilst I still play the imposter every day in my own head, I have realised how much you can thrive in a job. Definitely more on that another time.

Our team has grown hugely since I started, so might contribute to why I don’t feel like the new person or the outsider anymore. But it’s more than that, it’s not just about how long I’ve been there or who has become the ‘new person’ since me. It feels equal and it feels right.

My granddad’s face still fills my lock-screen so I can see him multiple times a day, smiling at me from his garden chair. I do wonder though, if people at the checkout in Tesco might just think I have a much older (albeit very handsome) husband who graces my phone screen. Nope, just my granddad.

The Inspiration Paradox

It’s a daily battle, being inspirational. Most days I get out of bed. I go to the toilet and get in the shower. If I fancy it, I also take the kids to school. Just to be extra super duper. However, I know that these kind of luxuries aren’t afforded to everyone.

I also have a job, which makes me a working mum. This takes the ‘inspirational’ up another level. The ironic thing is, however, that these ‘simple’ parts of life are difficult. Getting out of bed, getting showered and dressed uses up a lot more energy for me than it does for the average person. Lifting my arms above my head to wrap my hair in a turban makes my shoulders burn like I’ve been lifting 20 kg weights for 10 minutes.

Then there’s my job, which consists of sitting and working at a computer, talking on the phone etc. Not exactly physically strenuous compared to more active jobs, but exhausting, nonetheless. I deploy several “Disability hacks” to make my job easier (?) such as using dictation, and keyboard shortcuts. But really, I guess they help to create a more level playing field. I may not be able to type quite as fast as you, but I can probably dictate faster. (Sidenote, people typing fast on a laptop is one of my favourite noises) However. as the demands on the service I work for increase, so too does my workload, exactly as it does for everybody else in the team. I work with the best team of amazingly supportive people, by the way.

But the problem with living a life that is just so inspirational, is that when the pressures of work and life increase, the need to ask for help in any aspect, seems impossible. People like to get all giddy about the resilience of individuals with disabilities in their daily lives but, when it comes to the professional world or other aspects of one’s life, there’s a pressure to conform to conventional standards. The fear of being perceived as incapable often leads to a reluctance to ask for help in anything that you may have been able to manage before. I find myself living with the constant argument to prove myself to everyone, no matter what I’m doing. No task is too big or too much, I’ll handle it all. I daren’t say no, because that would mean I’m not capable because of my disability, not because there is simply too much to do in a given space of time. Have a baby? No, I’ll have three! See, I told you I could apply it to everything.

Be independent at all costs. If I’m going to be good at something, I don’t allow myself to ask for help or admit exhaustion because that must be because I’m disabled, right?! The battle to embody self-sufficiency, extends to many areas. If I think about it for long enough, I could apply it to pretty much everything.

It’s double standards, all the time. (The double standards I give to myself, nobody says these things to me, disclaimer) Always ask for help and don’t suffer in silence or burn yourself out. But also, do all the daily things that other people do, but whilst having a disability and therefore dependent on others, but don’t ask for too much help, or you will just be reinforcing the notion that disabled people are needy, incapable, and….. Just get on with it and be inspirational.