I think there are many things that mums and dads do that they may not admit but maybe it’s time to just stop lying and admit that we all feed our kids biscuits to shut them up sometimes and hope they absorb some sort of nutritional element from said biscuit.
1 “I’m so tired” – You have kids, you should expect not to sleep properly again, for a long time. But clashing with that, is the expectation that your baby or toddler should be sleeping 7pm-7am before they reach their first birthday. If that’s your kid, well done. You don’t get a prize. For most other people, young toddlers won’t reliably sleep through the night without making a peep until much nearer their 3rd birthday, if ever. Humans are mammals, we aren’t evolved to sleep like a brick for 12 hours solid… fact. Before you had kids, you got up to go to the toilet or get a drink in the night sometimes didn’t you? Kids do that too. So when a mum has a bit of a moan about being tired at 10am as they didn’t sleep very well, there is NO NEED to ask why their kid isn’t sleeping through yet.
2 “Yes, we ordered takeout twice this week” – sometimes even the simplest of meals are too much effort, mentally as well as physically, when you’ve been battling with the emotions of 3 kids all day. £15-£20 on two meals sounds awful, but sometimes it’s a necessary evil.
3 “I’m still breastfeeding” – SHOCKING. Children can breastfeed well past their 2nd birthday. We are not in a developing country, formula and safe drinking water are readily available (albeit overpriced if it’s your only choice), but if you have chosen to use your boobs for what nature intended and are still feeding your toddler, then that is ace and should be celebrated, not questioned. No mum wants to have to answer ‘Uncle Nigel’ asking “when are you going to stop that?” Might I also add, it’s perfectly okay for a toddler to often nurse just for comfort, there is nothing wrong with that.
4 “Being a parent sucks sometimes” – it’s not always funny moments and seeing your kids flourish in every way, all the time. Sometimes they are hilarious, or they can be arseholes. Sometimes, they hurt themselves or are unwell, you have to go to hospital and you can’t believe how much you love them. But sometimes, life gets in the way of enjoying your kids and sometimes, kids get in the way of you enjoying other stuff! Like when your toddler has been asleep for 30 minutes, and you just sit down to eat dinner and then they decide to wake up screaming suddenly for no apparent reason.
5 “My daughter said ‘dickhead’ last night” – I have been a mum for over 7 years now and at no point have I been able to completely stop swearing in front of the children. I don’t mean I regularly scream “dinner’s on the p*ssing table now, come the f*ck on” – I just mean sometimes when the dog has just peed on the floor right by the back door when he can easily get outside, it’s hard not to call him a ‘knob’, despite the kids being right there wanting to look at the puddle of wee, because it’s so fascinating.
6 “I need a gin and tonic” – parents are allowed to have an alcoholic drink. Providing you’re completely able to meet all of your children’s needs in a safe and appropriate manner and aren’t needing to drive, then surely there is nothing wrong with enjoying a nice glass of white while they’re running around in the back garden and you’re actually feeling quite relaxed on a sunny Sunday afternoon.
7 “Maybe I shouldn’t have had kids” – this is something I’m sure most mums, or dads, have thought on several occasions, especially when things are difficult. You feel like you can’t give your kids everything you want them to have and you sometimes wonder if their life would have been better with a different mum. But then, they wouldn’t be the same children.
8 “My kids have had fish fingers 3 days in a row” – occasionally their weeks aren’t filled with asparagus and corn-fed chicken breast, and they eat stuff that goes directly from freezer to oven. Hell, throw some oven chips and some frozen peas on the plate for good measure. No one is going to arrest you, and if you feel like people will judge you as a bad parent, then lie. Easy.
9 “I’m not looking forward to picking them up” – don’t get me wrong, I love my kids more than I love bacon. But often the thought of picking them up from somewhere and battling with getting in the door with a million bags, children and wheelchair, fills me with dread. I’m pretty sure this is a blip left over from when they designed toddlers. They’re both excited to get in the car, and want to murder you as soon as their bum touches the carseat.
10 “I love them so much I want to squeeze their head off” – honestly, I have wondered if I should write this bit at all. But sometimes, in the evenings or when everything is suddenly calm, you feel an enormous rush of mammalian instinct in which you want to cuddle them so tight that they pop. Not literally, but you get the sentiment. Right? It’s apparently called ‘Cute Aggression’ (which can also apply to puppies and kittens etc) – there is no point in making parents feel weird for saying this! This article explains it better: https://thoughtcatalog.com/gaby-dunn/2013/01/science-explains-why-we-want-to-squeeze-cute-things-to-death/
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